Other People’s Pregnancy Announcements.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I might react when a friend falls pregnant. Hearing other people’s pregnancy announcements is hard to prepare yourself for after infant loss. I have (fortunately) not had to deal with anyone close to me falling pregnant since I had Riley, however, it is inevitably going to happen soon (people can’t just stop having babies right?!). I have only being affected by strangers on social media announcing their pregnancy. The feelings of jealousy, hurt and anger towards these people (who I don’t even know) are enough for me to worry about my reaction when someone close to me falls pregnant in the future.

My friend’s babies are beautiful and I cannot wait for them to have more. But, I have this toddler-like reaction of “well, I was supposed to be next” just like a child who’s been waiting for the swing and then another kid cuts inline. When my friends or family do go on to have their next babies; I don’t know if I will be able to show how extremely happy and excited I really am for them when I feel angry that I’m not next.

I have always been an impatient person. I have this sense of urgency –I always want every now or yesterday; or it’s not good enough. I sometimes feel like to escape getting this feeling of not being next I should just get pregnant. But I worry that I’m not giving myself enough time to grieve Riley. I worry that it wont be that simple ‘just getting pregnant.’ Falling pregnant is not how to fix this feeling either. I don’t know what the fix is, but having a baby to escape a fearful feeling is not a reason to have a baby. Just like having a baby to fix a relationship is not a reason to have a baby.

I catch myself watching pregnant women in public and thinking to myself “your baby might die, like mine did.” Then I wonder if they know how lucky they are going to be when their baby comes out kicking and screaming. I wonder if they might end up apart of the bereaved mothers club and how sad that it is going to be, adding yet another member.

I also wonder if they already are apart of this club and I think of how deserving they are to have this baby and also how terrified they would be. I can see them spending every second minute tracking movements, anxious for the whole pregnancy to be over to have their baby alive with them. I know the fear; I’m prepared for that fear to come to me. All these thoughts, within the space of five seconds and I don’t even know them or their situation.

I have not been faced with a newborn since Riley. All the other babies around me were born before Riley and that’s how I am able to differentiate my relationship with them. Of course, I’ve seen a whole bunch of newborns at the shops, at the doctors etc. –The best was when Matt was in hospital, a few weeks after we had Riley. He was in the ward next to the birthing ward and a newborn rolled passed when we were leaving. That was a good kick in the guts. But apart from that, newborns are not in my life.

I just don’t know about new babies. We’ll see I guess.

2 thoughts on “Other People’s Pregnancy Announcements.

  1. Felly tamez says:

    I just lost my son, Braxton Tiago Rios on September 12, after a completely happy and healthy pregnancy. My due date was on September 10th and my doctor had advised me that we would wait to induce me a week after his due date. I recently signed into my Instagram account a few days ago and I’ve had to unfollow other women who were pregnant and due around the same time I was. Of course everyone else went on to have their babies without any problems. I don’t want to have a negative mentality, but it’s just hard to understand why this had to happen. It’s so hard to get by each day. I’m supposed to be at home taking care of my baby, now I need to find things to get by and survive each hour. It’s nice to read your blogs and at least know that I’m not alone.

    Like

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