Today is your ‘would’ve been’ birthday. Although I know it is unlikely that you would’ve been born on this exact day, today marks yet another day that we have been dreading since the day we found out your heart stopped. We have one more date left, your autopsy result date, then everything should be ‘moving on’.
Unlike a lot of other babies and like the other stillborn babies, you are lucky because you get two birthdays. The day you were born and the day you should’ve been born. Happy Birthday my little angel.
Surprisingly, I thought I would’ve been feeling worse today than what I am. I think when these big days are coming up; I work myself up into a mess that when the day comes, it’s not too bad. I’m not saying that I don’t care, because I absolutely do. I just feel like you wouldn’t want me to spend these days in a mess crying in bed. I know you would want me to function for the day and remember you, as I knew you best.
You loved chocolate chip cookies and white chocolate. You loved Ed Sheeran and country music. Every time Ed Sheeran came on the radio in the car I felt your movements increase, you would go nuts. The last time I felt you move ‘River’ was playing. You kicked me so hard when I was at my Poppa’s funeral in February and my great uncle’s country music was played (you must’ve got that from your dad).
Unfortunately, that is all I knew of you. All I can say about you now is what our hopes and wishes for you were. We pictured you playing football with your grandpa. We pictured you playing basketball with your friend Wyatt. We pictured you and Dad fixing cars in winter and riding dirt bikes in summer. We pictured you running around Nanna and Grumpy’s farm, riding cows. I secretly pictured you wanting to be a dancer like me.
I suppose the hard thing about loosing you, is never knowing what you would’ve really been like. You might’ve hated all these things or only liked some of these things or been a completely different person.
I know you’ve been around us lately. You’ve been torturing Twinkee. She keeps running around the house meowing and I know it’s because you’re here. When Dad was in hospital this week, I know you were there. She stopped meowing for those couple of nights that he was there and I know its because you were there looking over dad. Thank you for keeping him safe and helping him recover.
Now that we have passed this day, I know it’s time to start to move on. By the end of next month, I need to be going back to work. I don’t know what I’m going to do for work yet, but I will figure something out so that I can earn some money and hopefully have a little brother or sister for you soon.
Mummy and Daddy love you so much and we wish that you were here, properly celebrating your day of birth with us. I wish you were here to make us parents and to keep us up all night and all day. I would give anything to have you here with us.
My gorgeous boy, have a happy celebration with all of your stillborn friends. Watch over us, until we meet again.
We love you to the moon and back.
Mum and Dad