When you find out you’re having a baby, there’s so many future milestones that run through your head. I pictured milestones like first nappy change, first bath, first smile, the car ride home from hospital and bringing our baby home in his capsule. I have pictured living in these moments my whole life but more so in the last 6 months while being pregnant with my first child.
I was able to live one of these moments today. I brought our baby home. He wasn’t in his capsule though; he was in his blue and white ceramic urn. I never imagined that my first baby’s homecoming would be shadowed with tears of pain and longing for a life that never was.
Although this is another milestone that has torn apart wounds that I thought were starting to heal, I am starting to feel a little more complete having him home with me.
I decided to do exactly what I would’ve done had he been alive. I brought him inside from the car, took him out of his box, took him to his room, laid him down in his cot, showed him his clothes and toys and introduced him to his fur siblings. It’s funny how animal just know. Our dog and cat sniffed Riley’s urn like they knew who was in there.
Since coming home from having Riley I can tell that they knew what happened. Our cat, Twinkee, is a really cuddly cat and since my belly has been getting bigger she has had to adjust her cuddle spots on me. Our dog, Twister, is extremely energetic and since my belly had gotten bigger he has calmed down and been more placid around me. I know they knew that we had given birth to Riley but they would’ve been confused as to what has actually happened. Seeing them recognise Riley in his urn was bitter sweet as I had been picturing this moment (had he been alive) for so long.
By living these moments that I couldn’t wait to live with him, I have found some sort of closure. I didn’t care that I felt a bit stupid walking around my house talking to an urn, because that moment with him felt special and I felt a little more complete being able to re-enact a moment that I have wanted to so badly, for so long. To me, it feels like he really is home now and I can breathe a little easier for a little longer.